


Irresistible

by threeturn



Category: Pod Save America (RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Sexual Harassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 12:33:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11253273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threeturn/pseuds/threeturn
Summary: Jon Lovett is wildly attractive.





	Irresistible

**Author's Note:**

> Very grateful to [disarm_d](https://archiveofourown.org/users/disarm_d) for beta and [ymorton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ymorton) for canon help! ♥

"And then he was like, 'I just don't think I can do long distance anymore,' and I was like, 'How long did it take you to think up that excuse?' and he was like, 'Jonathan Lovett, you know how much I love you,' and I was like, 'No one loves me, I've always been alone and I always will be alone,' and he was like 'What about Tommy and Favs,' and I was like, 'What _about_ Tommy and Favs,' and he was like, 'Oh Jon,' and I was like 'Don't try to be kind, I'll hunt you down and kill you, I've been working out,' and he was like, 'Maybe we should talk about this later,' and I was like, 'Yeah I gotta go, I have a date. Twelve dates,' so here I am."

The bartender looked up and down the bar. "Where are they then?"

"Who? Tommy and Favs?" Jon hadn't even told them the news yet.

"The twelve dates."

Jon adjusted himself on the barstool. "I didn't actually have twelve dates. I made that part up so Ronan would feel bad."

"I see." It was a busy night at Jon's favorite bar, but the bartender had been listening to him for at least five minutes now, probably because she was new. She leaned in closer to Jon. "I don't know about twelve dates, but _that_ guy's been checking you out." She tilted her head minutely to Jon's left.

"What's he look like?" Jon asked, without moving.

She shrugged. "Tall, cute. Blond."

"Oh, gross," said Jon. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. He can barely see me. The moment I turn around, he'll run away."

"Why would he do that?"

Jon rolled his eyes. "Look at me."

The bartender squinted at him. "What am I supposed to be noticing?"

"Nothing," said Jon. "I'm a sex leper, that's all." He stared into his glass, thinking about his tragic life.

"You're not a sex leper just because your long-distance boyfriend broke up with you." She grabbed the empty glass from him. "What about something other than Miller Light?"

"Fine!" said Jon. "I'm sure a pretentious mixed drink will make me wildly attractive."

"You never know," said the bartender, and came back with something pinkish in a shot glass.

"Oh, liquid bubblegum, how nice."

She looked a bit hurt. "Look, if you want to be irresistible…"

"I'm only drinking this because you listened to me talk," Jon said, and knocked it back. It was sweet and weirdly strong and made him feel hot all over.

"The fuck was in that thing?" Jon asked, when his embarrassing full body shiver had passed. But the bartender wasn't there anymore. Great. Jon loved being poisoned and then abandoned for a cigarette break. Now the regular Sunday night bartender down at the end of the bar was coming his way. 

"Carl!" Jon called. "Who's the new girl?"

"What new girl?" Carl asked. "You want a Miller Light?"

"Your co-worker," said Jon. "Kind of a goth Cinderella vibe? She was literally right here."

Carl shrugged. "I'm the only one on shift tonight. Hey, you're looking good tonight, Jon."

"Ha ha," said Jon darkly.

"So what are you drinking?" Carl reached out to touch his hand.

"Funny coincidence, I'm never drinking anything again," said Jon. He could still feel a sickly burn in his throat. "Gonna take off. Tell the new girl I said bye and she's my mortal enemy now."

"There's no new girl," said Carl.

Jon put down a twenty and slid off the barstool. It seemed like a long way to the ground. Three steps later, he bumped into a guy. Tall, blond, cute. On a zero to Favs scale, maybe an eight.

"Forgot about _you,_ " said Jon.

The guy looked sweetly confused.

"Don't worry about it," said Jon to the guy's collarbone. "Anyway, you're not interested, right? I have a broken heart anyway, if we try to have sex I'll probably just cry."

"Oh no!" said the guy. "I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"For fuck's sake," said Jon. He grabbed the guy's arm and started steering him out of the bar. "You wanna come over? I have really good AC."

"I'd love to," the guy said.

 

*

 

When Pundit woke Jon up the next morning, the guy was still there. His name had turned out to be Dave or something, Jon remembered. Now he was lying on his side, gazing at Jon more appreciatively than Jon actually merited. Probably he'd figured out Jon was sort of famous in a niche way. Some guys were sluts for a verified twitter account.

"Hey, babe," Dave said tenderly. He reached out to touch Jon's hair.

"Oh boy," said Jon. He sat up and pulled Pundit in for morning cuddles. 

"Do you want some coffee?" Dave asked. "I could make us breakfast."

"Um," said Jon, who really just wanted to be alone with his phone. "I wish, but I actually have to get to work, so…"

Dave's face fell. Jon was a certified asshole. "I had a great time, though," Jon added automatically. "If you don't mind my asking, what did we…like...I mean, we had sex, right?" All he could remember was discussing his life problems at great length while Dave stroked his hair.

"Um, no," said Dave. "You did have a lot to say about your co-workers, though."

"Oh, fuck," said Jon. "I'm sorry, man."

Dave was already getting dressed. "It's okay, Jon. I don't mind going slow with someone special. I'll leave my number on the table, okay? Like if you wanna get married or whatever." 

"Definitely," said Jon. He flopped back on the bed and listened to the front door open and close. Pundit whined and breathed on his face. "We can't get up till he's absolutely gone," Jon explained to her. He took a picture of Pundit looking mournful and tweeted it before getting up to fill her bowl and let her out into the backyard. There was a scrap of paper on the kitchen table that said _Doug_ with a telephone number and a sketch of wedding bells. Apparently Dave was a lunatic and not even named Dave.

Jon messaged Favs and Tommy— _Ronan dumped me but DOUG just proposed_ —and went to take a shower. Then he put on sweats and a faded grey t-shirt and opened up twitter again. Something was fucked up, because his Pundit tweet from fifteen minutes ago already had eight thousand likes and retweets and his follower count was insane. Jon blinked and looked again. Marco Rubio had retweeted him with a follow-up statement.

_@marcorubio Posting a picture of an adorable dog is certainly a decision that Jon Lovett has made._

_@marcorubio We'll just have to go from here and see what happens! "A righteous man has regard for the life of his animal" Proverbs 12:10_

Jon grimaced and switched over to chat.

**Tommy** **Vietor** Who the hell is Doug?

**Tommy Vietor** I mean I'm sorry about Ronan

**Jon Favreau** Did you guys really break up?

**Tommy Vietor** But regardless you can't date someone named DOUG

**Jon Favreau** WHAT HAPPENED WITH RONAN

**Jon Lovett** We broke up

**Jon Lovett** According to several current and former justice department officials

**Jon Lovett** Btw someone hacked Marco Rubio’s twitter

**Jon Favreau** Nice subject change, very smooth

**Tommy** **Vietor** Wait why does Lovett have a million followers today?

**Jon Favreau** Oh my god my laptop must be broken

But before Jon could explain to Favs how the digital world worked, the phone rang.

"Jon? This is Roger from Long Island, I got your number from your mom. I don't know if you remember me, but we went to high school together?"

"That seems inauspicious," said Jon. He was going to have to have a discussion with his mother.

"I'm not sure if you remember me specifically, but I, um, used to insult you daily. I stuffed you in a locker a few times and once I threw you in a dumpster." **  
**

Jon went still. "Why are you calling me?"

"Because I'm just so sorry," said Roger. "I woke up this morning and suddenly remembered how horribly cruel I'd been and how I'd never even tried to make it right. I apologize, Jon."

"Is this a joke?"

"No!" said Roger. "I just think it's my moral responsibility to acknowledge that I found your sparkling intelligence and refusal to conform enraging due to my being a sadistic know-nothing creep."

Jon scratched his head. "Sounds about right."

"I won't take any more of your time," said Roger, sounding very sad. "I just wanted you to know that the next time you're in Syosset, you're more than welcome to throw me in a dumpster."

"I'll keep it in mind," said Jon. "Thanks for calling!"

Jon shoved his phone in his pocket and grabbed his laptop bag and Pundit's leash. She barked happily as he clipped on her lead, because she didn't know that everyone in the world had gone batshit. "Keep your eyes open, girl," Jon told her. "You're the only one I trust."

He could see Favs's house from his front stoop, but he set off in the other direction because Pundit needed exercise and Jon wasn't ready for more Ronan questions before coffee.

On the way to the coffee shop, he was whistled at by two joggers and four passing drivers. A guy walking his collie waved at him wildly from a block away and started yelling about being a friend of the pod. "Thanks for telling the truth about iced lattes," said the guy, once he'd jaywalked to Jon's side of the street. "Hey, do me a favor…" He pulled up his shirt. "Sign my abs?"

"Lordy," said Jon, but he accepted the guy's sharpie and signed. Maybe he was more famous than he'd realized.

The guy leaned in close. "Your Seb Gorka impression is _hot_."

"Yeah, I get that a lot," said Jon. "Bye!"

He took a quick glance at his phone. Favs was texting about how sorry he felt for all Jon's new followers. Tommy was texting him variations on _hey asshole where are you we have work to do._ It was nice that at least two people in Jon's life were behaving normally. Instead of replying, Jon queued up the Jane Mayer audiobook Tommy had recommended and listened to it for the rest of the way.

At the coffee shop, Jon and Pundit got in line behind a lady in an expensive suit. Jon could hear loud whispering coming from the nearest table. As a student of the human condition, he turned around to see what was up. Immediately the teenagers at the table dissolved into giggles. "He's _looking_ ," one of them hissed. More laughter. Jon checked himself to see if he'd spilled something on his clothes or like maybe his pants were falling down, but everything seemed fine.

The woman ahead of him turned around and shrugged sympathetically. "They just aren't used to seeing someone with your looks," she said.

Jon bristled. "What's wrong with the way I look?"

The lady laughed. "That's cute. I like a guy who can be gorgeous _and_ self-deprecating."

"Me too," said Jon.

The lady stepped up to the counter to give her order. Jon bent over to scratch Pundit behind the ears, then straightened up quickly when he heard audible gasps and sighs from the table of teens.

It was his turn at last. "What name?" the barista asked, holding up his cup.

"Jon," said Jon, and went to stand with everyone else waiting for their orders. He could see out of the corner of his eye one of the teens standing up and heading his way. Oh, god.

"Excuse me," said the boy, "I'm super sorry but _she_ wanted me to tell you she loves you." He gestured back to a girl who was hiding her face in her hands. "And _I_ wanted to say I love…your dog."

"Mr. Sexy!" the barista yelled. "I have a medium cold brew for Mr. Sexy!"

"It looks like your order is ready," said the teen.

"I said my name is Jon," Jon said loudly to the barista, but she just winked and handed him a cup with "Mr. Sexy" scrawled on the side in large black letters, along with a telephone number.

"Jesus Christ," muttered Jon. "Come on, Pundit."

It was good to be finally out of whatever circle of hell the coffee shop had turned out to be. Jon put his earbuds back in and pressed play. "Fred Koch’s willingness to work with the Soviets and the Nazis was a major factor in creating the Koch family’s early fortune," Jane Mayer explained briskly at 1.5 speed. Even though America was obviously doomed, Jon felt instantly comforted to hear the voice of a rational person delivering reliable information.

By the time he and Pundit got back to their street, he had learned all about the Koch boys' Nazi governess and drunk most of his coffee. He rang Favs's doorbell. Leo was barking frantically at the front window as if he couldn't believe the outrage of Pundit being kept away from him for a whole twenty-four hours.

"You're late, dumbass," Favs told him when he opened the door. He was wearing a navy blue t-shirt and some heteronormative cargo shorts. 

Jon pushed past him. "You know what this lady at the coffee shop said? She said she was into handsome guys who were also self-deprecating. I had to tell her I didn't know anybody like that."

"Me neither," said Favs, grabbing his coffee cup. "I like how you're identifying yourself to baristas these days. Tommy, look!"

Tommy was on the sofa. He put down his laptop, peered at the cup, and fell over laughing.

"From Straight Shooter to Mr. Sexy: The Jon Lovett Story," Favs announced.

Jon reached into the writhing mass of Pundit and Leo greeting each other to unclip Pundit's lead. Leo licked his hand affectionately. "I told her my name was Jon!"

"Sure," said Tommy. "And then she free-associated. Seems likely."

"I'm gonna tweet a picture of this coffee cup," said Favs.

"You most certainly are not," said Jon, but Favs was already holding the cup over his head where Jon couldn't reach it. "Oh, good, bullying, how typical. You know what, I'm gonna regret saying this, but thank god for the two of you. Everyone else this morning has been insufferable."

"More insufferable than you, Lovett?" Tommy asked.

"Seems unlikely," said Favs.

"You see?" said Jon. "You're just the same as always." He plopped down on the sofa next to Tommy and started taking his sneakers off.

"What else would we be?" Tommy wanted to know.

"Madly in love with me," said Jon. "Everyone else is."

Favs looked at the Mr. Sexy cup again and then set it down carefully on the coffee table. "Maybe we should get to the studio now before Jon's ego loses control completely."

Jon arranged himself comfortably on the sofa. "Oh, because you think it's weird that people would be into me."

Favs was petting Leo and Pundit and not looking at Jon. "Pretty much," he agreed.

"Favs," said Tommy. "Some people broke up with their boyfriends and slept with people named Doug and are probably trying out coping mechanisms and maybe we should respect that." He patted Jon's knee reassuringly. "I'm sure lots and lots of people who don't know you personally find you very appealing." 

"I hate you both," said Jon. "I have been hit on by literally everyone I've met since…since…oh my god."

"What?" Tommy looked genuinely concerned. "Are you ready to talk about Ronan now?"

"Ronan Schmonan," said Jon, "I've been _hexed_."

Favs looked horrified. "What does that mean?"

Tommy grabbed Jon's hand. "Was it Doug? I'll fucking kill him. I'll tear him apart."

"It was the bartender! Ow, Tommy, you're hurting me."

Tommy very slightly loosened his death grip on Jon's hand. Favs knelt at Jon's side. "Jon. Tell us what happened."

Jon sighed. "I'm trying to remember. Okay, so I was at the bar ranting about being dumped—"

"Why didn't you call us? You could have called us."

"Because straight people are stupid and I hate talking to them," Jon said. "You wanna hear this or not?"

"I do," said Tommy.

"Thanks, Tommy," said Jon. "I can tell you were bisexual at least once in college. Anyway! I may have said something that hinted at low self-esteem—obviously for satirical purposes only—and the bartender gave me a shot of pink poison and said it would make me irresistible. And then everyone started hitting on me so I guess she was a witch."

Tommy and Favs exchanged glances. "Dude," Tommy said gently. "Magic isn't real."

"Marco Rubio retweeted Pundit," said Jon. "Open your eyes!"

Favs shoved Jon over on the couch to make space for himself and said, "You think this Doug went home with you because of a, a _love_ potion?"

"Maybe, I don't know," said Jon. He thought back to the previous night. "The bartender did say he was checking me out before I took the drink."

"Well, there you go!" said Tommy. "Magic is fake, climate change is real."

"I guess," said Jon. "I mean, if it worked, you dickheads would obviously be all over me." He looked at Tommy, who was still holding his hand, and Favs, who had slung a reassuring arm around his shoulders. "Oh my god." 

"Ohhh, no no no no no no," said Favs. "I feel exactly the same way about you right now that I did yesterday and the day before that."

"Same," said Tommy. "There's definitely nothing weird going on." He shook his head emphatically.

"Just wait a fucking second," said Jon, jumping to his feet. "Doug was talking about _marriage_. Roger…who knows what that was about. The guy in the street. The people in the coffee shop. I'm the heartthrob of West Hollywood and you think you can gaslight me?

Favs and Tommy looked hurt. Jon had no time for their delicate feelings. "Every single person I've met today has been into me so if you guys are acting exactly the same as before, that means...that means _this is how you act when you're into me_."

Favs winced. Tommy was going pink.

"Oh my god," Jon breathed. "It's true. You were already madly in love with me."

"Can we just do some ads?" said Favs in a very small voice.

"YOU LOVE ME!!!!!!" Jon screeched.

Tommy glared at him. "God, you're a fucking menace."

Jon looked at him thoughtfully before dropping into Favs's lap and stretching his legs out over Tommy's thighs. "Tommy," he said, "I know if this is all in my mind you're gonna stop blushing any second now. Jon, have you ever fantasized about me delivering your best speech from memory while staring into your eyes and taking my clothes off?

"Please get off my lap immediately," said Favs. He sounded like he was in the process of being strangled.

"What I love," said Jon, wiggling his ass around a little, "is that everyone else in the world can't help telling me exactly how wonderful they think I am, but you guys can control yourselves because you've been repressing your feelings since 2008."

Favs rolled his eyes. "Not since 2008."

"Favs!" hissed Tommy. "Loose lips sink ships!"

"Oh ho!" Jon preened. "When were you going to tell me?"

Jon watched as Tommy and Favs attempted to communicate nonverbally, which meant Favs made normal human facial expressions and every once in a while one of Tommy's eyelashes fluttered. Finally Favs shook his head at Tommy and said, "Look, Lovett, you were in a relationship. And anyway, you like blond guys." He jerked his head meaningfully at Tommy.

Tommy bit his lip. "Yeah, you had a boyfriend, Lovett. Plus my hair isn't all that blond and what you really like is pretty boys." He raised his eyebrows at Favs.

"Wow," said Jon, folding his arms. "Appreciate the martyr vibe, _very_ sexy, plus true, I'm way too cute for either one of you."

Favs looked sad but vindicated. Tommy looked stone-faced but vindicated. "We totally understand, Jon," he said.

"Oh my god," said Jon, "You think I'm serious? You think I just rejected you, Tommy? Listen. In point of fact I rejected _Dave_ —"

"You said his name was Doug," Tommy objected.

"Whatever. You're both literally, _literally_ , the _stupidest_ people I have _ever_ met, and I know many members of congress. I'm embarrassed to call you my friends. My hot, heterosexual, completely out of bounds _friends_." Jon ran his hand over Favs's bicep and down the rest of his bare arm.

Favs cleared his throat. "You could call us…something else?"

"Was that a line?" Jon demanded. "Did you just try a line on me, Jon Favreau?"

Tommy still looked pink, but in a hopeful way. "Favs, I can't believe you tried a cheesy line like that on someone sophisticated enough to call himself Mr. Sexy."

"That wasn't me!" Jon yelped, kicking him. "I _told_ her—"

But Tommy already had a hand over his mouth.

"When I take my hand away," Tommy said, "you're either going to kiss me or you're going to go tweet back at Marco Rubio and none of us will ever discuss this again." He took his hand away.

Jon said, "Marco Rubio is too short for me."

Tommy leaned in and kissed him. He was good at it.

"Oh," said Favs faintly. "I guess I could just go take some phone calls from advertisers all by myself."

"Nnnnnn!" Jon mumbled into Tommy's mouth.

Tommy lifted his head. "Don't sulk, Favs, I'm sure West Hollywood's magic heartthrob wants you to stay. Lovett?"

"Fuck you for not believing me," Jon said, but he leaned cooperatively backward against Favs's long solid body anyway. "Do you know a guy wanted me to sign his abs?"

"Of course he did," murmured Favs, turning his head to bite at Jon's ear. "Mmm."

"Ew, don't make that noise," said Jon.

"Mmmmm," said Favs again.

 

*

 

In the middle of it, Jon panicked, because he was a good person who preferred not to take advantage. Tommy was groaning with his hands in Jon's hair and Jon really, really didn't want him to regret the way he was pushing up into Jon's mouth with steady, small jerks of his hips.

So Jon pulled off Tommy's dick, wiped his mouth, and said, "Do you think we should wait? Until the magic wears off? Just to make sure you guys aren't like in the thrall of the spell?"

Favs did the exasperated "uhhhhh" noise he liked to make when discussing right-wing villainy and stopped rubbing his cock against Jon's ass.

Tommy said, "You're a fucking monster," and pulled Jon's head back down on his dick. 

"Unbelievable," agreed Favs. He held Jon firmly in place and started pushing his cock in.

 

*

 

Hours later, Favs drove them all to the studio. Jon sat in the back seat and brooded over his phone. Apparently he was back to his original number of twitter followers, which was startling and unfair. He pulled up his contacts and called Tanya.

"Hey, Jon," said Tanya. "You guys at the studio?"

"On our way," said Jon. "Hey, Tanya, are you feeling particularly enthusiastic about my good qualities today? Such as my boyish good looks and heroic demeanor?"

"Oh my god, don't harass Tanya," Favs called back to him.

"It's a simple question!" said Jon.

"I liked the picture of Pundit from this morning," said Tanya.

"Are you being, like, tactful? Or like you would definitely want to marry me if we were both heterosexual?"

"Sorry, Tanya!" called Tommy. "Lovett's feeling needy today."

"Oh, _I'm_ needy?" squawked Jon. "I seem to remember—"

"O _kay_ then," said Tommy firmly, reaching into the back seat and grabbing Jon's phone.

"You'll see," Jon grumbled. He leaned out the window to show himself off, but no one who saw him whistled or proposed marriage. One guy even gave him the finger for no reason at all.

When they got there, the security guy in the lobby was on his phone looking incredibly bored. "We're on the fifth floor, here's my ID!" Jon said, going up to the front desk and leaning in seductively.

"Sure, whatever," said the guy, not looking up.

When the elevator opened, the attractive young professionals who emerged didn't seem to notice him either.

"Excuse me," Jon began, but Favs yanked him onto the elevator before he could get their attention.

"Fine, so the magic spell is over," said Jon. "No problem, it was a nightmare anyway, I just would've liked a chance to prove it to you personally. Good thing you barbarians are into me regardless, right? Right? Oh god, you're having second thoughts, aren't you?"

"Oh, I'm way past second thoughts," said Tommy. "Third thoughts, fourth thoughts, fifth thoughts, et cetera."

"Your hand on my ass says otherwise," Jon informed him. "Favs?"

Favs sighed. "Tommy, can you believe we're _choosing_ to live inside a Donald Trump cabinet meeting? Lovett, thanks for the blessing and opportunity to serve your agenda, by the way magic isn't real."

"What I think happened," said Jon, stepping off on their floor, "is that the spell lifted once it brought me exactly where I needed to be."

Silence. Jon spun around to face them. "What? Too much?"

Tommy and Favs looked at each other. "Not too much," said Tommy, pink.

"Very romantic," said Favs.

Jon felt extremely pleased with himself. "You think so?" He pushed the door of the studio open. "Wait till you hear me on the ads today. I'm gonna blow your minds."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr [here](https://valencing.tumblr.com/).


End file.
